Yea, he's alright...but he's no Zach Braff.

I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I'm here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?

One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.

I'm a big proponent of 'Don't Ask, Don't tell,' in fact, I enforce it strictly on all of my dates. First, I don't ask them for sex, and then I warn them not to tell anyone after I'm through.

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?