I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.

Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.

I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.

I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!

I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.