Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning.

I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves.

I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.

I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.

It's just Gods way of getting babies to heaven faster!

It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.