Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do

I went to film school and wanted to learn everything there was about making movies.

Hitler was about population control.

The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?