Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom.

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me, I know I'm successful, and I am.

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.

I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?