The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.

After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins

I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?

A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

Of course killing people is 'wrong', but I think history shows that sometimes it serves the greater good.

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.