The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience.

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.

The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.

Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.