My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors. My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages.

I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon?

I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me.

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?

If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.

Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.

Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.