Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.

I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

I definitely try to play a common man in my roles so people can identify with my characters, but the truth of the matter is that it doesn't really matter what I do or my lines are, I'm still Zach Braff, and people know I'm better than them.