Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

I mean, nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends, but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it.

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.

I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.

It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

I always wanted to direct movies. That's what I set out to do. When I was a little kid I just dreamed of making movies, and I went to film school [at Northwestern University].