Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.

I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.

I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.

If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.