Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.

I feel really bad for everyone who died on 9/11. Not just the people in the World Trade Center, Pentagon, or Flight 93, but all of the terrorists, too. 'Garden State' came out in 2004. That means none of them got a chance to see it. Let that sink in for a second. No wonder they're building a memorial.

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.

I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.