One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?

Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with.

Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?

I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh

When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?

Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?'