One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?

Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.

I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.

Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.