One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.

I'm not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away.

Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.

Well I don't like to think too far ahead because it scares me a little to think of what this world will come to after I'm gone, but I suppose life will have to go on, right? At least everyone will still be able to watch reruns of Scrubs.