I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh

Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute.

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.

People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they're just trying to clean up our planet. I'm not saying it's right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example.

It's not that George Bush doesn't care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can't swim.