One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience.

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!

Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.