One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience.

Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true.

If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.

I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?

I've never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.