Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.

I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day.

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don't want AIDs, don't be a ice cream man. Or African. I'm neither and I'm fine.

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.