I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.

Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.

I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.