I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.

The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.

She can't say no if she's unconscious.

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter