I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this.

Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me