I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do

Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.

Oh I love children, but I could never eat a whole one.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.