Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?

I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successful

Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake.

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know?