Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.

Some people just don't want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I'm famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know?

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.

The thing about all these charities is that who sees where the money goes? I don't and you don't. For all I know, the president of Make a Wish just used all the money to buy himself a mansion and a yacht. That's why I keep all of my money for myself, at least then I know I'm doing good for at least one person for sure.

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.

Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true.

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?