One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude.

Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.

It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?

I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.

Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.