If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.

One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin.

Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don't think my mother would be into that.