If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.

I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.

Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I'm gonna throw.

I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot.

I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.