I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.