I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.

Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?

Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift.

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.

I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don't want AIDs, don't be a ice cream man. Or African. I'm neither and I'm fine.

I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own.

I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.