I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?

When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion.

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?