I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me.

I really like just super dry comedy.

The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.

So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person.

I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has.

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.