I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me.

People always say The God Father is the #1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in it....No you didn't. So then by default it goes to Garden State..and if youwatch two episodes of scrubs back to back that counts as the #2.

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

I lot of people remember when that kid spray-painted my brand new Porsche for Punk'd. That was pretty funny. He got me pretty good. Of course, most people don't know I eventually got him back with my own show. I call it a show, really it's just an hour-long video shot in my bedroom featuring the two of us.

I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something.