I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me.

I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?

Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint.