When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin.

Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.

I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.

Yeah i thought about making the character of JD gay... But then i thought, but what about all the poor girls dreams you'll be crushing

In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs.