When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.

I never looked at bread the same way again

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.