When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever

If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

Yeah i saw An Inconvenient Truth, and i dont want to say it was preachy but let's not kid ourselves, i've got far more important work to do

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.