If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.

Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors.

Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.

I mean, what's eleven million people now days?

It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.