You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.