I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.