I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.