I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the "Girlfriend in a Coma" is, like, really funny.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.