Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

If you see something, say something.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.