Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.