I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

I call my balls the bush twins.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.