I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'