My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.
Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.