Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.