I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.