The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.