The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.