I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.