If you see something, say something.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.