I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.