I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.