We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the "Girlfriend in a Coma" is, like, really funny.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.