My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.