My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.