My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.