My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.