I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.