I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.