A. P. Herbert Quotes

The essence of humour is surprise; that is why you laugh when you see a joke in Punch.

Let's find out what everyone is doing, And then stop everyone from doing it.

This high official, all allow, is grossly overpaid; there wasn't any Board, and now there isn't any Trade.

Greenfly, it's difficult to see Why God, who made the rose, made thee.

An act of God was defined as something which no reasonable man could have expected.

My ball is in a bunch of fern, A jolly place to be; An angry man is close astern- He waves his club at me. Well, let him wave-the sky is blue; Go on, old ball, we are but two-We may be down in three, Or nine-or ten-or twenty-five-It matters not; to be alive, Is good enough for me.

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

As my poor father used to say In 1963, Once people start on all this Art Goodbye, moralitee! And what my father used to say Is good enough for me.

If nobody said anything unless he knew what he was talking about, a ghastly hush would descend upon the earth.

Harriet, Hi! Light of my eye! Come to the pictures and have a good cry, For it's jolly old Saturday, Mad-as-a-hatter-day, Nothing-much-matter-day-night!

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, For mother will be there.

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain.

A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

A dull speaker, like a plain woman, is credited with all the virtues, for we charitably suppose that a surface so unattractive must be compensated by interior blessings.

aven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.

Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain. Fancy giving money to the Government! Nobody will see the stuff again. Well, they've not idea what money's for- Ten to one they'll start another war. I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! Fancy giving money to the Government!

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

Elderly gentlemen, gentle in all respects, kind to animals, beloved by children, and fond of music, are found in lonely corners of the downs, hacking at sandpits or tussocks of grass, and muttering in a blind, ungovernable fury elaborate maledictions which could not be extracted from them by robbery or murder. Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behavior not otherwise excusable.

There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conductor refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before.

Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable.

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.