If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.