If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.