If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.