Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.