I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'