The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.