All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.