As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.