I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.