I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.