There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?